Dissolve all Relationship Problems

Navigating the complexities of any relationship requires us to be able to see others with compassion and understanding and to accept that each person’s personal experiences throughout life have created their perspective of the world and it may be very different than our own.

Maturity is acknowledging that just because our perspectives are different doesn’t mean one is good and the other bad or that one is right and the other wrong.

When we get caught up in proving our way is the right way and set out with the intention of changing another person so they can agree with us - we enter a battle that will inevitably result in distance, disharmony and dysfunction.

A Client’s Story

Sarah was a client I recently worked with, who had the desire to create more peace and love within the relationship she had with her brother. As she explained it, her brother was an addict and recently went through a divorce. He was now living with their parents and was disrespectful and rude and unappreciative for the help her parents were offering him at this time. Her parents had rules and expectations of him while he was under their roof and she was annoyed he wasn’t abiding by them and felt his actions and lack of respect was causing her parents stress and hardship.

When I asked her about what she had done up to this point to create more love and connection between her and her brother, she proceeded to explain the nature of their interactions. She entered conversations with her brother with pure intentions and claimed he would blame her parents and others for his circumstances and she would begin to defend her parents which resulted in her brother becoming defensive. This defensiveness felt aggressive and unfair to Sarah, so she would proceed to point out all the ways her parents and others were trying to help him and how he was in the wrong for how he was behaving.

It was apparent that although she thought she was entering these conversations with the intent to create more harmony in her relationship with her brother the truth was she was actually setting out to convince her brother to see things the way she saw them. She wanted him to treat her parents better so she was pressuring him to change how he was acting and behaving. She wasn’t really open to hearing what he was feeling or how he viewed himself or his life or the current circumstances.

Sarah Sees Her Brother. . . For the First Time

So, over the next two weeks Sarah focused on simply seeing and hearing her brother without trying to change his point of view or correct him in any way. She said she had to bite her tongue initially because she still felt compelled to defend her parents. But, as she continued to drop her personal opinions and really approach her brother from a place of love and acceptance rather than judgement - she found her brother begin to open up and be more vulnerable.

Throughout this process, she saw a broken, scared and lonely little boy within her brother. She was more fully able to understand why he behaved the way he did and recognized that he mistreated others and pushed others away because of his own feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. He used alcohol, violence and volatile words not because of any hate he had towards others but because of the deep resentment and shame he felt within himself.

While Sarah still didn’t agree with the choices he was making nor did she condone his behaviors - she no longer judged, criticized or shamed his actions. As she began to more fully understand why her brother was the way he was and what his view of the world was she felt more love - unconditional love - and acceptance of him. She could see him for who he truly was. His behaviors were a manifestation for a deeper hurt that he was trying to avoid and by Sarah providing a space of love and a true intention to see the world through his eyes- she inadvertently gave him permission to shine a light on that wound for the very first time.

We All Just Want To Be Seen

All humans have a basic need and inherent desire to be seen, accepted and loved for exactly who they are in any given moment. When we are able to create a space in which a person’s needs are met in this way we enable opportunities for healing and deeper connections to naturally evolve.

Of course, this doesn’t mean we have to agree with the other person’s point of view - we are all entitled to our own opinions - and we certainly don’t have to condone their behavior. But, by choosing to see the situation through fresh eyes and without our own preconceived notions - we are able to neutralize any hard feelings or resentments or grudges we may be holding against them. Then, regardless of the outcome of the conflict or even the relationship, we are better able to understand and compassionately accept their humanness. This approach has the potential to neutralize disagreements and conflicts.

The best approach I have found to create deeper connections within relationships is by stepping outside of our own personal narratives and removing the lens through which we are accustomed to seeing the world. We must drop our personal values and the beliefs we have about how people should behave and what we expect from them.

We are all wearing goggles

Imagine every human has on a pair of invisible goggles - some are blue, some are yellow, some are orange, some are red. . . you get the idea. . . these goggles create the lens through which they see the world. So, if a person is wearing a pair of red goggles everything they see and experience in their life has a red hue to it. They literally cannot see anything without this hint of red. These lens have been created by all their past experiences, pains, traumas, heartaches, losses, and childhood programming.

Essentially, we are all walking through life with a different shade of goggles on and insanity ensues when we try to convince others to see things the way that we do. If you are wearing purple goggles and try to convince a yellow goggle wearrer that the world is purple - you are going to get stuck in an endless loop spinning your wheels, becoming more and more frustrated, annoyed, disconnected and contentious with the other individual.

However, if you momentarily remove your goggles- all of your personal beliefs about the world - then you are finally free to truly see the situation for what it is and most importantly recognize that beneath the goggles the two of you are really not that different. Most likely you will discover that you both have the same desire to be seen, loved, accepted and heard; you may not share the same hobbies, or political opinions or religious affiliation - but, beyond those personas you will discover our humanness is all rooted in love.

Love Dissolves Differences

When we allow ourselves to try on another person’s goggles we are able to see what they are seeing. The byproduct of this approach is a space of understanding, acceptance and ultimately love. As mentioned, this is an inherent need and desire for all humans.

Remember, we don’t have to agree with the other person’s perspective but we can begin to more deeply understand why they are the way that they are.

If you put this into practice, I promise problems will be neutralized, differences dissolved and you will experience more peace and harmony within your own relationships.

And who doesn’t desire a life of peace and harmony?!?